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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Megarace and the Stink of Failure (mine)

Call it what you want, I'm not here to sugar-coat anything. The fact is that I have not and most likely will not ever beat Megarace. I could only run through the same familiar tracks so many times before I would eventually get sick of this thing and pack it in. I still enjoy playing the opening levels to this game, and I still think Lance Boyle is hilarious, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around this game's ancient mechanics any longer and have found myself in the dank pit of "I just don't give a shit anymore" when I couldn't catch up to certain cars. This game might be fun in another ten years but I somehow doubt it; the poor thing hasn't aged very well. So what got me to quit, you ask?

This fucker!
Orbital Junkyard 1 is the bane of my existence. Infact, this may be the very stage that got me to give this game up over 14 years ago. It is a relentless barrage of twists, turns and bullshit ammo-killer spots on the track. Once your ride runs out of ammo (the "EN" gauge on the dashboard display above), the only way to win the race is to smash these guys into the side wall.

As grimly satisfying as the sound this makes is, this is not the most effective way to kill anyone in this game as it can take FOR-FUCKING-EVER.
An even worse option is to try and attempt passing your opponents. Now I know what you're thinking, "It's a race. Isn't that, I don't know, sort of the point of race? You know, passing people?". On any other occasion you'd be right, but not when you're talking about Megarace. In Megarace all other cars on the track MUST BE VANQUISHED. Meaning blown up by either ramming them into the side wall, or blasting them with your laser cannons. If you pass an enemy their car will explode in about oh, HALF A LAP or so. That means if you fancy losing then by all means pass the one car that shows up at a time, just don't expect to win as other cars won't spawn until the one you passed mysteriously blows up on its own offscreen.

What the fuck are you thinking you asshole?! What makes you think you can win a race just by passing cars? You must be some kind of crack-baby tard-face to come up with that goofy notion.
I can say this much about Megarace now. I still have fun playing it from time to time, and the music and graphics are (to me), still damned impressive, and I still get a kick out of Lance Boyle's antics. However, this style of gameplay all but totally died out with the eventual failure of the Sega CD and the emergence of actual real-time 3D. It seems sort of quaint now, and honestly, I don't think anyone who didn't experience it then can really appreciate it now.

So yeah, browsing my library I've determined that there are way more fun games here that warrant beating.

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